(411 B.C.)
Characters of the Play
LYSISTRATA
LEONIKE
MYRRHINE
Athenian women
LAMPITO, a Spartan woman
ISMENIA, a Boiotian girl
KORINTHIAN GIRL
POLICEWOMAN
KORYPHAIOS OF THE MEN
CHORUS OF OLD MEN of Athens
KORYPHAIOSOF THE WOMEN
CHORUS OF OLD WOMEN of Athens
COMMISSIONER of Public Safety
FOUR POLICEMEN
KENESIAS, Myrrhine's husband
CHILD of Kinesias and Myrrhine SLAVE
SPARTAN HERALD
SPARTAN AMBASSADOR
FLUTE PLAYER
ATHENIAN WOMEN
PELOPONNESIAN WOMEN PELOPONNESIAN MEN
ATHENIAN MEN
SCENE: A street in Athens. In the background, the Akropolis,
center, its gateway, the Propylaia. The time is early morning.*
Lysistrata is discovered alone, pacing back and forth iN
furious impatience.
LYSISTRATA
Women!
Announce a debauch in honor of Bacchos,
a spree for Pan, some footling fertility fieldday,
and traffic stops--the streets are absolutely clogged
with frantic females banging on tambourines. No urging
for an orgy!
But today--there's not one woman here.
Enter Kleonike.
Correction: one. Here comes my next door neighbor.
--Hello, Kleonike.
KLEONIKE
Hello to you, Lysistrata.
--But what's the fuss? Don't look so barbarous, baby;
knitted brows just aren't your style.
LYSISTRATA
It doesn't
matter, Kleonike--I'm on fire right down to the bone.
I'm positively ashamed to be a woman--a member
of a sex which can't even live up to male slanders!
To hear our husbands talk, we're sly: deceitful,
always plotting, monsters of intrigue...
KLEONIKE
Proudly.
That's us!
LYSISTRATA
And so we agreed to meet today and plot
an intrigue that really deserves the name of monstrous...
and WHERE are the women?
Slyly asleep at home--
they won't get up for anything!
KLEONIKE
Relax, honey.
They'll be here. You know a woman's way is hard--
mainly the way out of the house: fuss over hubby,
wake the maid up, put the baby down, bathe him,
feed him...
LYSISTRATA
Trivia. They have more fundamental busi-
ness.,to engage in.
KLEONIKE
Incidentally, Lysistrata, just why are
you calling this meeting? Nothing teeny, I trust?
LYSISTRATA
Immense.
KLEONIKE
Hmmm. And pressing?
LYSISTRATA
Unthinkably tense.
KLEONIKE
Then where IS everybody?
I YSISTRATA
Nothing like that. If it were,
we'd already be in session. Seconding motions.
--No, this came to hand some time ago. I've spent
my nights kneading it, mulling it, filing it down...
KLEONIKE
Too bad. There can't be very much left.
LYSISTRATA
Only this:
the hope and salvation of Hellas lies with the WOMEN!
KLEONIKE
Lies with the women? Now there's a last resort.
LYSISTRATA
It lies with us to decide affairs of state
and foreign policy.
The Spartan Question: Peace
or Extirpation?
KLEONIKE
How fun!
I cast an Aye for Extirpation!
LYSISTRATA
The utter Annihilation of every last Boiotian?
KLEONIKE
AYE!--I mean Nay. Clemency, please, for those
scrumptious eels.*
LYSISTRATA
And as for Athens ...I'd rather not put
the thought into words. Just fill in the blanks, if you will.
--To the point: If we can meet and reach agreement
here and now with the girls from Thebes and the
Peloponnese,
we'll form an alliance and save the States of Greece!
KLEONIKE
Us? Be practical. Wisdom for women? There's nothing
cosmic about cosmetics--and Glamor is our only talent.
All we can do is sit, primped and painted,
made up and dressed up.
Getting carried away in spite of her argument.
ravishing in saffron wrappers,
peekaboo peignoirs, exquisite negligees, those chic,
expensive little slippers that come from the East...
LYSISTRATA
Exactly. You've hit it. I see our way to salvation
in just such ornamentation--in slippers and slips, rouge
and perfumes, negligees and decolletage...
KLEONIKE
How so?
LYSISTRATA
So effectively that not one husband will take up his spear
against another...
KLEONIKE
Peachy!
I'll have that kimono
dyed...
LYSISTRATA
...or shoulder his shield...
KLEONIKE
...squeeze into that
daring negligee...
LYSISTRATA
...or unsheathe his sword!
KLEONIKE
...and buy those
slippers!
LYSISTRATA
Well, now. Don't you think the girls should be here?
KLEONIKE
Be here? Ages ago--they should have flown!
She stops.
But no. You'll find out. These are authentic Athenians:
no matter what they do, they do it late.
LYSISTRATA
But what about the out-of-town delegations? There isn't
a woman here from the Shore; none from Salamis...
KLEONIKE
That's quite a trip. They usually get on board
at sunup. Probably riding at anchor now.
LYSISTRATA
I thought the girls from Acharnai would be here first.
I'm especially counting on them. And they're not here.
KLEONIKE
I think Theogenes' wife is under way.
When I went by, she was hoisting her sandals...
Looking off right.
But look!
Some of the girls are coming!
Women enter from the right. Lysistrata looks off to the left
where more--a ragged lot--are straggling in.
LYSISTRATA
And more over here!
KLEONIKE
Where did you find that group?
LYSISTRATA
They're from the outskirts.*
KLEONIKE
Well, that's something. If you haven't done anything
else, you've really ruffled up the outskirts.
Myrrhine enters guiltily from the right.
MYRRHINE
Oh, Lysistrata,
we aren't late, are we?
Well, are we?
Speak to me!
I.YSISTRATA
What is it, Myrrhine? Do you want a medal for tardiness?
Honestly, such behavior, with so much at stake...
MYRRHINE
I'm sorry. I couldn't find my girdle in the dark.
And anyway, we're here now. So tell us all about it,
whatever it is.
KLEONIKE
No, wait a minute. Don't
begin just yet. Let's wait for those girls from Thebes
and the Peloponnese.
LYSISTRATA
Now there speaks the proper attitude.
Lampito, a strapping Spartan woman, enters left, leading a
pretty Boiotian girl (Ismenia) and a huge, steatopygous
Korinthian.
And here's our lovely Spartan.
Hello. Lampito
dear.
Why darling, you're simply ravishing! Such
a blemishless complexion--so clean, so out-of-doors!
And will you look at that figure--the pink of perfection!
KLEONIKE
I'll bet you could strangle a bull.
LAMPITO
I calklate so.*
Hit's fitness whut done it, fitness and dancin'. You know
the step?
Demonstrating.
Foot it out back'ards an' toe yore twitchet.
The women crowd around Lampito.
KLEONIKE
What unbelievably beautiful bosoms!
LAMPITO
Shuckins.
whut fer you tweedlin' me up so? I feel like a heifer
come fair-time.
LYSISTRATA
Turning to Ismenia.
And who is this young lady here?
LAMPITO
Her kin's pun-near the bluebloodiest folk in Thebes--
the First Fam'lies of Boiotia.
LYSISTRATA
As they inspect Ismenia.
Ah, picturesque Boiotia:
her verdant meadows, her fruited plain...
KLEONIKE
Peering more closely.
Her sunken
garden where no grass grows. A cultivated country.
LYSISTRATA
Gaping at the gawking Korinthian.
And who is this--er--little thing?
LAMPITO
She hails
from over by Korinth, but her kinfolk's quality--mighty
big back there.
LEONIKE
On her tour of inspection.
She's mighty big back here.
LAMPITO
The womenfolk's all assemblied. Who-all's notion
was this-hyer confabulation?
LYSISTRATA
Mine.
LAMPITO
Git on with the give-out.
I'm hankerin' to hear.
MYRRHINE
Me, too! I can't imagine
what could be so important. Tell us about it!
LYSISTRATA
Right away
--But first, a question. It's not
an involved one. Answer yes or no.
A pause.
MYRRHINE
Well. ASK it!
LYSISTRATA
It concerns the fathers of your children--your husbands.
absent on active service. I know you all have men
abroad.
--Wouldn't you like to have them home?
KLEONIKE
My husband's been gone for the last five months! Way up
to Thrace. watchdogging military waste. * It's horrible!
MYRRHINE
Mine's been posted to Pylos for seven whole months!
LAMPITO
My man's no sooner rotated out of the line
than he's plugged back in. Hain't no discharge in this
war!
KLEONIKE
And lovers can't be had for love or money,
not even synthetics. Why, since those beastly Milesians
revolted and cut off the leather trade, that handy
do-it-yourself kit's vanished from the open market!
LYSISTRATA
If I can devise a scheme for ending the war,
I gather I have your support?
KLEONIKE
You can count on me!
If you need money, I'll pawn the shift off my back--
Aside.
and drink up the cash before the sun goes down.
MYRRHINE
Me too! I'm ready to split myself right up
Mc middle like a mackerel, and give you half!
LAMPITO
Me too! I'd climb Taygetos Mountain plumb
to the top to git the leastes' peek at Peace!
LYSISTRATA
Very well, I'll tell you. No reason to keep a secret.
Importantly. as the women cluster around her
We can force our husbands to neogitate Peace.
Ladies, by exercising steadfast Self-Control-
By Total Abstinence
A pause
KLEONIKE
From WHAT?
MYRRHINF
Yes, what?
LYSISTRATA
You'll do it?
KLEONIKE
Of course we'll do it! We'd even die!
LYSISTRATA
Very well.
then here's the program:
Total Abstinence
from SEX!
The cluster of women dissolves.
-Why are you turning away? Where are you going?
Moving among the women.
-What's this? Such stricken expressions! Such gloomy
gestures!
-Why so pale?
-Whence these tears?
-What IS this?
Will you do it or won't you?
Cat got your tongue?
KLEONIKE
Afraid I can't make it. Sorry.
On with the War!
MYRRHINE
Me neither. Sorry.
On with the War!
LYSISTRATA
This from
my little mackerel? The girl who was ready. a minute
ago, to split herself right up the middle?
KLEONIKE
Breaking in between Lysistrata and Myrrhine
Try something else. Try anything. If you say so,
I'm willing to walk through fire barefoot
But not
to give up SEX--there's nothing like it, Lysistrata!
LYSISTRATA
To Myrrhine. And you?
MYRRHINE
Me, too! I'll walk through fire.
LYSISTRATA
Women!
Utter sluts, the entire sex! Will-power,
nil. We're perfect raw material for Tragedy,
the stuff of heroic lays "Go to bed with a god
and then get rid of the baby"--that sums us up!
Turning to Lampito.
--Oh, Spartan, be a dear. If you stick by me,
just you, we still may have a chance to win.
Give me your vote.
LAMPITO
Hit's right onsettlin' fer gals
to sleep all lonely-like, withouten no humpin'.
But I'm on your side. We shore need Peace, too.
LYSISTRATA
You're a darling--the only woman here
worthy of the name!
KLEONIKE
Well, just suppose we did,
as much as possible, abstain from...what you said,
you know--not that we would--could something like
that bring Peace any sooner?
LYSISTRATA
Certainly. Here's how it works:
We'll paint, powder, and pluck ourselves to the last
detail, and stay inside, wearing those filmy
tunics that set off everything we have--
and then
slink up to the men. They'll snap to attention, go
absolutely mad to love us--
but we won't let them. We'll Abstain.
--I imagine they'll conclude a treaty rather quickly.
LAMPITO
Nodding.
Menelaos he tuck one squint at Helen's bubbies
all nekkid, and plumb throwed up.
Pause for thought.
Throwed up his sword
KLEONIKE
Suppose the men just leave us flat?
LYSISTRATA
In that case,
we'll have to take things into our own hands.
KLEONIKE
There simply isn't any reasonable facsimile!
--Suppose they take us by force and drag us off
to the bedroom against our wills?
LYSISTRATA
Hang on to the door
KLEONIKE
Suppose they beat us!
LYSISTRATA
Give in--but be bad sports
Be nasty about it--they don't enjoy these forced
affairs. So make them suffer.
Don't worry; they'll stop
soon enough. A married man wants harmony--
cooperation, not rape.
KLEONIKE
Well, I suppose so
Looking from Lvsistrata to Lampito
If both of you approve this. then so do we
LAMPITO
Hain't worried over our menfolk none. We'll bring 'em
round to makin' a fair, straightfor'ard Peace
withouten no nonsense about it. But take this rackety
passel in Athens: I misdoubt no one could make 'em
give over thet blabber of theirn.
LYSISTRATA
They're our concern.
Don't worry. We'll bring them around.
LAMPITO
Not likely.
Not long as they got ships kin still sail straight,
an' thet fountain of money up thar in Athene's temple. *
LYSISTRATA
That point is quite well covered:
We're taking over
the Akropolis, including Athene's temple, today.
It's set: Our oldest women have their orders.
They're up there now, pretending to sacrifice, waiting
for us to reach an agreement. As soon as we do,
they seize the Akropolis.
LAMPITO
The way you put them thengs,
I swear I can't see how we kin possibly lose!
LYSISTRATA
Well, now that it's settled, Lampito, let's not lose
any time. Let's take the Oath to make this binding.
LAMPITO
Just trot out thet-thar Oath. We'll swear it.
LYSISTRATA
Excellent.
--Where's a policewoman?
A huge girl, dressed as a Skythian archer (the Athenian
police) with bow and circular shield, lumbers up and gawks.
--What are you looking for?
Pointing to a spot in front of the women.
Put your shield down here.
The girl obeys.
No, hollow up!
The girl reverses the shield. Lysistrata looks about brightly.
--Someone give me the entrails.
dubious silence.
KLEONIKE
Lysistrata, what kind
of an Oath are we supposed to swear?
LYSISTRATA
The Standard.
Aischylos used it in a play, they say--the one where
you slaughter a sheep and swear on a shield.
KLE0NIKE
Lysistrata,
you do not swear on Oath for Peace on a shield!
LYSISTRATA
What Oath do you want?
Exasperated.
Something bizarre and expensive?
A fancier victim--"Take one white horse and
disembowel"?
KLEONIKE
White horse? The symbolism's too obscure. *
LYSISTRATA
Then how
do we swear this oath?
KLEONIKE
Oh, I can tell you
that, if you'll let me.
First, we put an enormous
black cup right here--hollow up, of course.
Next, into the cup we slaughter a jar of Thasian
wine, and swear a mighty Oath that we won't...
dilute it with water.
LAMPITO
To Kleonike.
Let me corngratulate you--
that were the beatenes' Oath I ever heerd on!
LYSISTRATA
Calling inside.
Bring out a cup and jug of wine!
Two women emerge, the first staggering under the weight of
a huge black cup, the second even more burdened with a
tremendous wine jar. Kleonike addresses them.
KLEONIKE
You darlings!
What a tremendous display of pottery!
Fingering the cup.
A girl
could get a glow just holding a cup like this!
She grabs it away from the first woman. who exits.
LYSISTRATA
Taking the wine jar from the second serving woman (who
exits), she barks at Kleonike.
Put that down and help me butcher this boar!
Kleonike puts down the cup, over which she and Lysistrata
together hold the jar of wine (the "boar"). Lysistrata prays.
O Mistress Persuasion,
O Cup of Devotion,
Attend our invocation:
Accept this oblation,
Grant our petition,
Favor our mission.
Lysistrata and Kleonike tip up the jar and pour the gurgling
wine into the cup. Myrrhine, Lampito, and the others watch
closely.
MYRRHINE
Such an attractive shade of blood. And the spurt--
pure Art!
LAMPITO
Hit shore do smell mighty purty!
Lysistrata and Kleonike put down the empty wine jar.
KLEONIKE
Girls, let me be the first
Launching herself at the cup.
to take the Oath!
LYSISTRATA
Hauling Kleonike back.
You'll have to wait your turn like everyone else.
--Lampito, how do we manage with this mob?
Cumbersome.
--Everyone place her right hand on the cup.
The women surround the cup and obey.
I need a spokeswoman. One of you to take
the Oath in behalf of the rest.
The women edge away from Kleonike, who reluctantly finds
herself elected.
The rite will conclude
with a General Pledge of Assent by all of you, thus
confirming the Oath. Understood?
Nods from the women. Lysistrata address Kleonike.
Repeat after me:
LYSISTRATA
I will withhold all rights of access or entrance
KLEONIKE
I will withhold all rights of access or entrance
LYSISTRATA
From every husband, lover, or casual acquaintance
KLEONIKE
from every husband, lover, or casual acquaintance
LYSISTRATA
Who moves in my direction in erection.
--Go on
KLEONIKE
who m-moves in my direction in erection.
Ohhhhh!
--Lysistrata, my knees are shaky. Maybe I'd better...
LYSISTRATA
I will create, imperforate in cloistered chastity,
KLEONIKE
I will create, imperforate in cloistered chastity,
LYSISTRATA
A newer, more glamorous, supremely seductive me
KLEONIKE
a newer, more glamorous, supremely seductive me
I YSISTRATA
And fire my husband's desire with my molten allure--
KLEONIKE
and fire my husband's desire with my molten allure--
I YSISTRATA
But remain, to his panting advances, icily pure.
KI EONIKE
but remain, to his panting advances, icily pure.
LYSISTRATA
If he should force me to share the connubial couch,
KLEONIKE
If he should force me to share the connubial couch.
LYSISTRATA
I refuse to return his stroke with the teeniest twitch.
KLEONIKE
I refuse to return his stroke with the teeniest twitch.
LYSISTRATA
I will not lift my slippers to touch the thatch
KLEONIKE
I will not lift my slippers to touch the thatch
LYSISTRATA
Or submit sloping prone in a hangdog crouch.
KLEONIKE
or submit sloping prone in a hangdog crouch.
LYSISTRATA
If I this oath maintain,
may I drink this glorious wine.
KLEONIKE
If I this oath maintain,
may I drink this glorious wine.
LYSISTRATA
But if I slip or falter,
let me drink water.
KLEONIKE
But if I slip or falter,
let me drink water.
LYSISTRATA
--And now the General Pledge of Assent:
WOMEN
A-MEN!
LYSISTRATA
Good. I'll dedicate the oblation.
She drinks deeply.
KLEONIKE
Not too much,
darling. You know how anxious we are to become
allies and friends.
Not to mention staying friends.
She pushes Lysistrata away and drinks. As the women take
their turns at the cup, loud cries and alarums are heard
offstage.
LAMPITO
What-all's that bodacious ruckus?
LYSISTRATA
Just what I told you:
It means the women have taken the Akropolis. Athene's
Citadel is ours!
It's time for you to go,
Lampito, and set your affairs in order in Sparta.
Indicating the other women in Lampito's group.
Leave these girls here as hostages.
Lampito exits left. Lysistrata turns to the others.
Let's hurry inside
the Akropolis and help the others shoot the bolts.
KLEONIKE
Don't you think the men will send reinforcements
against us as soon as they can?
LYSISTRATA
So where's the worry?
The men can't burn their way in or frighten us out.
The Gates are ours--they're proof against fire and fear--
and they open only on our conditions.
KLEONIKE
Yes!
That's the spirit--let's deserve our reputations:
As the women hurry off into the Akropolis.
UP THE SLUTS!
WAY FOR THE OLD IMPREGNABLES!
The door shuts behind the women, and the stage is empty. A
pause. and the Chorus of Men shuffles on from the left in two
groups, led by their Koryphaios. They are incredibly aged
Athenians: though they may acquire spryness later in the
play. at this point they are sheer decrepitude. Their normally
shaky progress is impeded by their burdens: each man not
only staggers under a load of wood across his shoulders, but
has his hands full as well--in one, an earthen pot containing
fire (which is in constant danger of going out): in the other, a
dried vinewood torch, not yet lit. Their progress toward the
Akropolis is very slow.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
To the right guide of the First Semichorus. who is stumbling
along in mild agony.
Forward, Swifty. keep 'ern in step! Forget your shoulder.
I know these logs are green and heavy--but duty, boy,
duty!
SWIFTY
Somewhat inspired, he quavers into slow song to set a pace
for his group.
I'm never surprised. At my age, life
is just one damned thing after another.
And yet, I never thought my wife
was anything more than a home-grown bother.
But now, dadblast her,
she's a National Disaster!
FIRST SEMICHORUS OF MEN
What a catastrophe--
MATRIARCHY!
They've brought Athene's statue* to heel,
they've put the Akropolis under a seal,
they've copped the whole damned commonweal...
What is there left for them to steal?
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
To the right guide of the Second Semichorus--a slower soul,
possible, than Swifty.
Now, Chipper, speed's the word. The Akropolis, on the
double!
Once we're there, we'll pile these logs around them, and
convene
a circuit court for a truncated trial. Strictly impartial:
With a show of hands, we'll light a spark of justice under
every woman who brewed this scheme. We'll burn them
all
on the first ballot--and the first to go is Ly...
Pauses for thought.
is Ly...
Remembering and pointing at a spot in the audience.
Is Lykon's wife--and there she is, right over there!*
CHIPPER
Taking up the song again.
I won't be twitted, I won't be guyed,
I'll teach these women not to trouble us!
Kleomenes the Spartan tried
expropriating our Akropolis*
some time ago--
ninety-five years or so--
SECOND SEMICHORUS OF MEN
but he suffered damaging losses
when he ran across US!
He breathed defiance--and more as well:
No bath for six years--you could tell.
We fished him out of the Citadel
and quelled his spirit--but not his smell.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
That's how I took him. A savage siege:
Seventeen ranks
of shields were massed at that gate, with blanket infantry
cover.
I slept like a baby.
So when mere women (who gall the gods
and make Euripides sick) try the same trick. should I
sit idly by?
Then demolish the monument I won at Marathon!
FIRST SEMICHORUS OF MEN
Singly
--The last lap of our journey!
--I greet it with some dismay.
--The danger doesn't deter me.
--but
it's uphill
--all the way.
--Please, somebody.
--find a jackass
to drag these logs
--to the top.
--I ache to join the fracas,
--but
my shoulder's aching
--to stop.
SWIFTY
Backward there's no turning.
Upward and onward, men!
And keep those firepots burning, or
we make this trip again.
CHORUS OF MEN
Blowing into their firepots, which promptly send forth clouds
of smoke.
With a puff (pfffff)....
and a cough (hhhhh)....
The smoke! I'll choke! Turn it off!
SECOND SEMICHORUS OF MEN
--Damned embers.
--Should be muzzled.
--There oughta be a law.
--They jumped me
--when I whistled
--and then
they gnawed my eyeballs
--raw.
--There's lava in my lashes.
--My lids are oxidized.
--My brows are braised.
--These ashes are
volcanoes
--in disguise.
CHIPPER
This way, men. And remember.
The Goddess needs our aid.
So don't be stopped by cinders. Let's
press on to the stockade!
CHORUS OF MEN
Blowing again into their firepots. which erupt as before
With a huff (hfffff).
and a chuff (chffff).
Drat that smoke. Enough is enough!
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Signalling the Chorus. which has now tottered into position
before the Akropolis gate. to stop. and peering into his
firepot
Praise be to the gods, it's awake. There's fire in the old
fire yet.
-Now the directions. See how they strike you:
First, we deposit
these logs at the entrance and light our torches. Next, we
crash
the gate.
When that doesn't work, we request admission
Politely.
When that doesn't work, we burn the damned door
down, and smoke
these women into submission,
That seem acceptable? Good
Down with the load ouch, that smoke! Sonofabitch!
A horrible tangle results as the Chorus attempts to deposit the
logs The Koryphaios turns to the audience.
Is there a general in the house? We have a logistical
problem.
No answer. He shrugs.
Same old story. Still at loggerheads over in Samos.*
With great confusion. the logs are placed somehow
That's better. The pressure's off. I've got my backbone
back .
To his firepot
What. pot? You forgot your part in the plot?
Urge that smudge
to be hot on the dot and scorch my torch
Got it, pot?
Praying
Queen Athene. let these strumpets
crumple before our attack
Grant us victory, male supremacy
and a testimonial plaque
The men plunge their torches into firepots and arrange them
selves purposefully before the gate Engaged in their prepara-
tions. they do not see the sudden entrance from the right of
the Chorus of Women. led by their Korvphaios These wear
long cloaks and carry pitchers of water They are very old--
though not so old as the men--but quite spry In their turn.
they do not perceive the Chorus of Men
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Stopping suddenly
What's this--soot? And smoke as well? I may be all wet,
but this might mean fire. Things look dark. girls: we'll
have to dash
They move ahead. at a considerably faster pace than the
men
FIRST SEMICHORUS OF WOMEN
Singly.
Speed! Celerity! Save our sorority
from arson Combustion And heat exhaustion
Don't let our sisterhood shrivel to blisterhood.
fanned into slag by hoary typhoons.
By flatulent, nasty, gusty baboons.
We're late! Run!
The girls might be done!
Tutte.
Filling my pitcher was absolute torture:
The fountains in town are so crowded at dawn,
glutted with masses of the lower classes
blatting and battering, shoving, and shattering
jugs. But I juggled my burden, and wriggled
away to extinguish the igneous anguish
of neighbor, and sister, and daughter--
Here's Water!
SECOND SEMICHORUS OF WOMEN
Singly.
Get wind of the news? The gaffers are loose.
The blowhards are off with fuel enough
to furnish a bathhouse. But the finish is pathos:
They're scaling the heights with a horrid proposal.
They're threatening women with rubbish disposal!
How ghastly--how gauche!
burned up with the trash!
Tutte.
Preserve me, Athene, from gazing on any
matron or maid auto-da fe'd.
Cover with grace these redeemers of Greece
from battles, insanity,? Man's inhumanity.
Gold-browed goddess, hither to aid us!
Fight as our ally, join in our sally
against pyromaniac slaughter--
Haul Water!
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Noticing for the first time the Chorus of Men. still busy at
their firepots. she cuts off a member of her Chorus who seems
about to continue the song
Hold it What have we here? You don't catch true-blue
patriots red-handed These are authentic degenerates,
male, taken in flagrante
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Oops. Female troops. [his could be upsetting
I didn't expect such a flood of reserves.
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Merely a spearhead
If our numbers stun you. watch that yellow streak
spread. We represent just one percent of one percent of
This Woman's Army
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Never been confronted with such backtalk. Can't allow
it. Somebody pick up a log and pulverize that brass
Any volunteers?
There are none among the male chorus.
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Put down the pitchers. girls. If they start waving that
lumber,
we don't want to be encumbered
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Look, men, a few sharp jabs
will stop that sawing It never fails.
The poet Hipponax
swears by it.
Still no volunteers. The Koryphaios of Women advances
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Then step right up. Have a jab at me.
Free shot.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Advancing reluctantly to meet her.
Shut up! I'll peel your pelt. I'll pit your pod.
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
The name is Stratyllis. I dare you to lay one finger on me.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
I'll lay on you with a fistful. Er--any specific threats?
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Earnestly.
I'll crop your lungs and reap your bowels, bite by bite,
and leave no balls on the body for other bitches to
gnaw.*
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Retreating hurriedly.
Can't beat Euripides for insight. And I quote:
No creature's found
so lost to shame as Woman. *
Talk about realist playwrights!
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Up with the water, ladies. Pitchers at the ready, place!
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Why the water, you sink of iniquity? More sedition?
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Why the fire, you walking boneyard? Self-cremation?
KORHYPHAIOS OF MEN
I brought this fire to ignite a pyre and fricassee your friends.
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
I brought this water to douse your pyre. Tit for tat.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
You'll douse my fire? Nonsense!
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
You'll see. when the facts soak in.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
I have the torch right here. Perhaps I should barbecue you.
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
If you have any soap, I could give you a bath.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
A bath from those
polluted hands?
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Pure enough for a blushing young bridegroom.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Enough of that insolent lip.
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
It's merely freedom of speech.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
I'll stop that screeching!
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
You're helpless outside the jury-box.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Urging his men, torches at the ready. into a charge.
Burn, fire, burn!
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
As the women empty their pitchers over the men.
And cauldron bubble.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Like his troops, soaked and routed.
Arrrgh!
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Goodness,
What seems to be the trouble? Too hot?
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Hot, hell! Stop it!
What do you think you're doing?
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
If you must know, I'm gardening.
Perhaps you'll bloom.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Perhaps I'll fall right off the vine!
I'm withered, frozen, shaking...
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
Of course. But, providentially,
you brought along your smudgepot.
The sap should rise eventually.
Shivering, the Chorus of Men retreats in utter defeat.
A Commissioner of Public Safety* enters from the left, fol-
lowed quite reluctantly by a squad of police--four Skythian
archers. He surveys the situation with disapproval.
COMMISSIONER
Fire, eh? Females again--spontaneous combustion
of lust. Suspected as much.
Rubadubdubbing, incessant
incontinent keening for wine, damnable funeral
foofaraw for Adonis resounding from roof to roof--
heard it all before...
Savagely, as the Kotyphaios of Men tries to interpose a remark.
and WHERE?
The ASSEMBLY!
Recall, if you can, the debate on the Sicilian Question:
That bullbrained demagogue Demostratos (who will rot,
I trust)
rose to propose a naval task force.
His wife,
writhing with religion on a handy roof, bleated
a dirge:
"BEREFT! OH WOE OH WOE FOR ADONIS!"
And so of course Demostratos, taking his cue,
outblatted her:
"A DRAFT! ENROLL THE WHOLE OF
ZAKYNTHOS!"
His wife, a smidgin stewed, renewed her yowling:
OH GNASH YOUR TEETH AND BEAT YOUR
BREASTS FOR ADONIS!"
And so of course Demostratos (that god-detested blot,
that foul-lunged son of an ulcer) gnashed tooth and nail
and voice, and bashed and rammed his program through.
And THERE is the Gift of Women:
MORAL CHAOS!
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Save your breath for actual felonies, Commissioner:
see what's happened to us! Insolence, insults.
these we pass over, but not lese-majesty:
We're flooded
with indignity from those bitches' pitchers--like a bunch
of weak-bladdered brats. Our cloaks are sopped. We'll
sue!
COMMISSIONER
Useless. Your suit won't hold water. Right's on their side
For female depravity, gentlemen, WE stand guilty--
we, their teachers, preceptors of prurience, accomplices
before the fact of fornication. We sowed them in sexual
license, and now we reap rebellion.
Consider. Off we trip to the goldsmith's to leave
an order:
"That bangle you fashioned last spring for my wife
is sprung. She was thrashing around last night, and the
prong
popped out of the bracket. I'll be tied up all day--I'm
boarding the ferry right now--but my wife'll be home.
If you get the time, please stop by the house in a bit
and see if you can't do something--anything--to fit
a new prong into the bracket of her bangle."
And bang.
Another one ups to a cobbler--young, but no apprentice.
full kit of tools, ready to give his awl--
and delivers this gem:
"My wife's new sandals are tight
The cinch pinches her pinkie right where she's
sensitive.
Drop in at noon with something to stretch her cinch
and give it a little play."
And a cinch it is.
Such hanky-panky we have to thank for today's
Utter Anarchy: I, a Commissioner of Public
Safety, duly invested with extraordinary powers
to protect the State in the Present Emergency, have
secured
a source of timber to outfit our fleet and solve
the shortage of oarage. I need the money immediately...
the WOMEN, no less, have locked me out of the
Treasury!
Pulling himself together.
--Well, no profit in standing around.
To one of the archers.
Bring
the crowbars. I'll jack these women back on their
pedestals!
--WELL, you slack-jawed jackass? What's the
attraction? Wipe that thirst off your face. I said crowbar,
not saloon!--All right, men, all together. Shove those
bars underneath the gate and HEAVE!
Grabbing up a crowbar.
I'll take this side.
And now let's root them out, men, ROOT them out.
One, Two...
The gates to the Akropolis burst open suddenly, disclosing
Lysistrata. She is perfectly composed and bears a large spindle.
The Commissioner and the Police fall back in consternation.
LYSISTRATA
Why the moving equipment?
I'm quite well motivated, thank you, and here I am.
Frankly, you don't need crowbars nearly so much as
brains.
COMMISSIONER
Brains? 0 name of infamy! Where's a policeman?
He grabs wildly for the First Archer and shoves him toward
Lysistrata.
Arrest that woman!
Better tie her hands behind her.
LYSISTRATA
By Artemis, goddess of the hunt, if he lays a finger
on me, he'll rue the day he joined the force!
She jabs the spindle viciously at the First Archer, who leaps,
terrified, back to his comrades.
COMMISSIONER
What's this--retreat? Never! Take her on the flank.
The First Archer hangs back. The Commissioner grabs the
Second Archer.
--Help him.
--Will the two of you kindly TIE HER UP?
He shoves them toward Lysistrata. Kleonike, carrying a large
chamber pot, springs out of the entrance and advances on the
Second Archer.
KLEONIKE
By Artemis, goddess of the dew.* if you so much
as touch her, I'll stomp the shit right out of you!
The two Archers run back to their group
COMMISSIONER
Shit? Shameless! Where's another policeman?
He grabs the Third Archer and propels him toward Kleonike.
Handcuff her first. Can't stand a foul-mouthed female.
Myrrhine, carrying a large, blazing lamp, appears at the
entrance and advances on the Third Archer.
MYRRHINE
By Artemis, bringer of light, if you lay a finger
on her, you won't be able to stop the swelling!
The Third Archer dodges her swing and runs back to the
group.
COMMISSIONER
Now what? Where's an officer?
Pushing the Fourth Archer toward Myrrhine.
Apprehend that woman!
I'll see that somebody stays to take the blame!
Ismenia the Boiotian, carrying a huge pair of pincers, ap-
pears at the entrance and advances on the Fourth Archer.
ISMENIA*
By Artemis, goddess of Tauris, if you go near
that girl, I'll rip the hair right out of your head!
The Fourth Archer retreats hurriedly.
COMMISSIONER
What a colossal mess: Athens' Finest--
finished!
Arranging the Archers.
--Now, men, a little esprit de corps. Worsted
by women? Drubbed by drabs?
Never!
Regroup,
reform that thin red line.
Ready?
CHARGE!
He pushes them ahead of him.
LYSISTRATA
I warn you. We have four battalions behind us--
full-armed combat infantrywomen, trained
from the cradle...
COMMISSIONER
Disarm them, Officers! Go for the hands!
LYSISTRATA
Calling inside the Akropolis.
MOBILIZE THE RESERVES!
A horde of women, armed with household articles, begins to
pour from the Akropolis.
Onward, you ladies from hell!
Forward, you market militia, you battle-hardened
bargain hunters, old sales campaigners, grocery
grenadiers, veterans never bested by an overcharge!
You troops of the breadline, doughgirls--
INTO THE FRAY!
Show them no mercy!
Push!
Jostle!
Shove!
Call them nasty names!
Don't be ladylike.
The women charge and rout the Archers in short order.
Fall back--don't strip the enemy! The day is ours!
The women obey, and the Archers run off left. The Commis-
sioner, dazed, is left muttering to himself.
COMMISSIONER
Gross ineptitude. A sorry day for the Force.
LYSISTRATA
Of course. What did you expect? We're not slaves;
we're freeborn Women, and when we're scorned, we're
full of fury. Never underestimate the Power of a Woman.
COMMISSIONER
Power? You mean Capacity. I should have remembered
the proverb: The lower the tavern, the higher the
dudgeon.
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
Why cast your pearls before swine, Commissioner? I
know you're a civil
servant, but don't overdo it. Have you forgotten the bath
they gave us--in public,
fully dressed,
totally soapless?
Keep rational discourse for people!
He aims a blow at the Koryphaios of Women, who dodges
and raises her pitcher.
KORYPHAIOS OF WOMEN
I might point out that lifting
one's hand against a neighbor is scarcely civilized
behavior--and entails, for the lifter, a black eye.
I'm really peaceful by nature,
compulsively inoffensive--a perfect doll. My ideal is a
well-bred repose that doesn't even stir up dust...
swinging at the Koryphaios of Men with the pitcher.
unless some no-good lowlife
tries to rifle my hive and gets my dander up!
The Koryphaios of Men backs hurriedly away. and the Cho
rus of Men goes into a worried dance
CHORUS OF MEN
Singly.
O Zeus, what's the use of this constant abuse?
How do we deal with this female zoo?
Is there no solution to Total Immersion?
What can a poor man DO?
Tutti.
Query the Adversary!
Ferret out their story!
What end did they have in view,
to seize the city's sanctuary.
snatch its legendary eyrie,
snare an area so very
terribly taboo?
KORYPHAIOS OF MEN
To the Commissioner.
Scrutinize those women! Scour their depositions--assess
their rebuttals!
Masculine honor demands this affair be probed to the
bottom!
COMMISSIONER
Turning to the women from the Akropolis
All right, you, Kindly inform me. dammit, in your own
words:
What possible object could you have had in blockading
the Treasury?
LYSISTRATA
We thought we'd deposit the money in escrow and
withdraw your men
from the war.
COMMISSIONER
The money's the cause of the war?
LYSISTRATA
And all our internal
disorders--the Body Politic's chronic bellyaches: What
causes Peisandros' frantic rantings, or the raucous cau-
cuses of the Friends of Oligarchy?* The chance for graft.
But now, with the money up there,
they can't upset the City's equilibrium--or lower its
balance.
COMMISSIONER
And what's your next step?
LYSISTRATA
Stupid question. We'll budget the money.
COMMISSIONER
You'll budget the money?
LYSISTRATA
Why should you find that so shocking?
We budget the household accounts, and you don't object
at all.
COMMISSIONER
That's different.
LYSISTRATA
Different? How?
COMMISSIONER
The War Effort needs this money!
LYSISTRATA
Who needs the War Effort?
COMMISSIONER
Every patriot who pulses to save
all that Athens holds near and dear
LYSISTRATA
Oh, that. Don't worry
We'll save you
COMMISSIONER
You will save us?
LYSISTRATA
Who else?
COMMISSIONER
But this is unscrupulous!
LYSISTRATA
We'll save you. You can't deter us.
COMMISSIONER
Scurrilous!
LYSISTRATA
You seem disturbed.
This makes it difficult. But, still--we'll save you.
COMMISSIONER
Doubtless illegal!
YSISTRATA
We deem it a duty. For friendship's sake.
COMMISSIONER
Well, forsake this friend
I DO NOT WANT TO BE SAVED. DAMMIT!
LYSISTRATA
All the more reason
It's not only Sparta; now we'll have to save you from you.
COMMISSIONER
Might I ask where you women conceived this concern
about War and Peace?
LYSISTRATA
Loftily
We shall explain.
COMMISSIONER
Making a fist